“Am a result of unplanned teenage pregnancy with a mother who keeps reminding me how I ruined her life. She tried her best to abort me , unfortunately, she failed all the tree times. (I wish she succeed, I will not be here right now). She still has anger and bitter about the whole situation. She makes sure I know that. The father is not any better. He thinks am a curse to his wife too. Blames me for their problems and wish me death any minute we come across.
I was lucky to go to school by the help of grandparents. And I thought things will finally get better. But the “cool kids” won’t allow me that. I was their punching bag and a reason to laugh. Making all sort of jokes about me and making my life unbearable. I was too timid to fight for myself so I allow everything to happen hopelessly.
Campus was a little bit better. Maybe because I buried myself in books. Always reading and being alone. It was the only sure way I trusted of having peace. I never socialized so I never made any friends there. It was the only point in my life that I now realize had some peace. Unfortunately , it was three short years.
Adult life was not easy as I thought. Jobs were extremely difficult to get. Wrote hundreds of emails and letter requesting for an opportunity. But they kept declining and some even ignored them. I had to do something and get myself away from home. Since even food was a problem to be offered to me.
A new city with nothing and jobless. Slept on the streets for several days before landing a job as a cleaner in a small local hotel. You know how kitchens can be for a new comer in a big city. I was too broken and was at my very edge.
Tried committing suicides several times but only left me with bad injuries to take care of. Why didn’t they work. Maybe I did not have enough balls to end my life once and for all.
Years went by and got several promotion in the hotel. But still earned peanut salary. Life was hard and I no longer believed in myself. I was just surviving rather than living. I didn’t care much about anything. Waiting for one day to sleep and never wake up.
Then there was this guy. He seem not to get it. He bothered me and insisted that I give him a chance. Until to-date, I still wonder what he saw in me or he saw a damaged good to easily manage. I had nothing to lose or hope for. And the body too needed something. So I gave in.
It was one of the “best decision” decision that I have ever made. He was a man of many women and it didn’t take long before he infected me with HIV/AIDS. Now death had no excuse to deny me. It is now my sure way to my death. So I didn’t bother to take any medical plans and healthy lifestyle. I need to die and here was my chance finally.
I no longer needed him so I packed my stuff and disappeared. Quit my job and went a place to wait for my death. As much it’s really taking long, I know I will dead soon. I have nothing to live for or lose. And I have no impact on anyone. So when I hear all the encouraging conversations of hope, I giggle and wonder. Do you really understand me?
Please don’t say you understand unless you REALLY do.”
I cried throughout as I read her email. I totally agree that I don’t understand her situation nor have a good reason to help change her mind. But she must be a very strong woman yet to realize her strength.
All I could do was reply with a request for her to allow me visit her in person.