She doesn’t know how to

She stares at the window as her thoughts carry her away. She is trying her best to fight her ‘demons”. Which seems to have won the fight. But she is yet to give up. She has hope of victory but doesn’t know how to.

She was raised by an absent dad. Who never bothered about their basic needs. He used drugs and was aggressive. To the siblings, their mum and herself. This was her life for the better part of her childhood. She got exposed to a harsh domestic environment right from the beginning.

Her father used to call her a loser. And claimed that she was stupid and unlucky in life. He said all sort of bad stuff and discouraging comments to her. Things escalated to physical abuse.

Schools became her safe haven. And school holidays became a night mare. When other kids jumped with joy to go back home. Suicidal thoughts found a home in her head.

She was raised in church. So she feared taking away her life. Not to end up in hell. But sometimes, she thought to herself. Maybe hell is much better. She struggled to stay alive.

Surprisingly, she made it to the university and secured  very good grades. Seems God preserved her brains. She too wonders how she managed to stay sharp with all troubles in her life.

The father never changed. He is growing old but his aggressiveness keeps escalating. He even threw her out of the house before she could even get a job. He claimed that she was a parasite that need to die.

She is a survivor. With the small will and hope that helped to push her forward. She was able to find a job and a place to live. Life was tough. Poverty, worthlessness and daily hustle made the suicidal thoughts more strong.

She is the silent type. No friends to mingle with. She kept things to herself. And when the journey got tough, all she could do. Was cry herself to sleep. She was slowing losing it.

She stopped going to church, minimized her calls back home and shut everyone out. She became more like a machine. Going to work, do what is expected of her and go home. She lost test of life.

TV helped make time pass by and made her forget her pathetic life for a minute. She was simply afraid of taking away her life. But she was already dead inside. She was just waiting for something to help end her life.

No one notice what she was going through. As they got used of her silence. They thought she was okay. With the ever smiling face and few words. No one knew what ready happened behind the smile. She was good at hiding it from everyone.

She is now almost 40 years old. Just like everyone else, her biological clock is clicking. She has managed to ignore with success but not anymore. She scared away all the nice guys who approached her. By being too ”busy” or even being extremely rude to them. Most of them gave up.

Then this guy happened. A guy who paid no attention to her refusal or excuses. He has been on her case for sometime now. Patiently taking in all her coldness. He seems not to go away anytime soon.

He also seemed to have managed to touch her soft part. He has been too nice to her. Something that’s is seen as  foreign to her. She is used to people being harsh and mean towards her. She doesn’t trust anyone even her own self.

A very tiny part of heart, thinks its time she allowed someone in. But a big part of her is raising alarms about it. What if he turns out like father? Then again, not everyone is bad. But still, being alone. No one will manage to hurt you more. She is torn in between.

She feels safe alone and fears another pain from unsuccessful relationship. But she also feel lonely and desire a family of her own. As little as she wants to open up to him, she doesn’t know how to.

Her thoughts go blank leaving flashbacks of all the earlier mistreat dancing in her head. She is unable to shake it off. So as usual, she takes her sleeping pills and head to bed.

 

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