2017 goodbye and may we love 2018 as it loves us back.
It was a year filled with both the good and bad but most importantly full of lessons.
I finally got a way to overcome the pain from my father’s actions under influence. I was placing blame on the wrong person instead of the alcohol. Deep within I always knew and still does that he is my hero and the best dad in the world. But his shortcomings had blinded me for a while, wasted time.
Those who know me can attest that I don’t talk of my dad and most of them thought I didn’t have one. I thought keeping him silent in my life would make things better but nay it never did. I always thought of him every second of my life. When am not thinking of wildlife, forests, hiking, movies or cars then am definitely thinking about him.
My dad is the person who taught me the importance of animals and importantly taking excellent care of them. He gifted me my first pet at a very tender age which was a pair of squirrels. When mum was busy filling my room with dolls, dad introduced me to pets that actually had life hence didn’t need me to be the only talking one. He did all the training for washroom to my pets. I loved seeing them nibble the vegetables brought to them by our shop assistant.
I spent most of my childhood with our shop assistant in the stores since mum was always busy and dad worked in a different town. Dad used to come over during weekends and I never left his side. If wishes were…….then I would have frozen my growth so as to remain dad’s little girl forever.
He took me with him everywhere he went, from business meetings, visits to buddies and even bars. All these are what I always looked forward to all the weekends. He was everything and the best.
All these changed as I grew older and bigger hence not being allowed to accompany dad everywhere. Dad too changed and alcohol seemed to have taken full control of him. He lost several jobs and friends, and things started to go uphill. The cool dad was fading away and his sweetness turned to anger. He no longer mingled but instead shut everyone out.
I think this is the point where my pain started. Being a shy kid I kept most of the things for myself and everyone thought everything was normal but no, my world was growing darker and darker as days went by.
Mum did her best to fill the gap created by dad’s misfortunes and the family remained a float. Yes she was able to take care of us very well and provided for the family. This made her very busy and we were left to enjoy company of the assistants and nannies. I didn’t blame mum for the absence since she had to feed us, we had to understand that but we missed her.
By the time I was done with high school education, dad’s condition was worse than anyone could have imagined. He was completely into alcohol and seeing him sober was a miracle. I could not understand how my super dad had turned into a drunkard. I felt hurt when kids made fun of him in the estate as he tries to get himself home. They could call him names and even throw objects to him.
No matter how badly he abused us, I could never be able to sleep until when I was sure he was back at home. I could get really stressed when he failed to show up at night and started going bars to bars in search of him early in the morning next day. I never spoke to anyone on what was going on in my head and the bottled frustration turned to pain and anger. I was never able to stand those who would summoned my dad for his drunkenness, why did they do that? I also hoped that one day my dad will be sober again. Regardless of my anger for his behavior, I never entertained anyone who made a joke of him or became harsh to him. I thought I could shield him and when I failed, that’s how I started to silence him in my life.
I started spending most of my time away from home and never spoke about him. I could get temporary peace but when his thoughts came to me, spent nights crying for my dad. I missed him and a hole he filled in my life was getting wider and deeper. I could call him and find him drunk, we could talk for hours and make silly jokes only to disagree and fight when I couldn’t be able to get him more cash.
The few minutes we shared laughter is what I filtered in our conversation and burried the fights and insults. I knew my dad didn’t mean them, at least that how I wanted to believe. Every parent love their offspring so do my dad. That’s what I always calmed my thoughts with when the negativity of my dad popped my head.
This year we have fought with him several times but as it ends am happy to have been able to get unchained from my overdue pain. He is my dad and hero, taught me important morals and am sure if he was able to make live like a queen, he would. Alcohol may have taken a lot from him, but not his daughter. I love him and still hopefully of a bright future with him sober, and even if he never become sober, he is still my first male love. (I love you very much dad and mum is the luckiest lady in the world to have you as her husband).
I have learnt from my mistakes and next year will be better. This time round, I will manage to accomplish all my set goals with not excuse.
We only have one life so we better live it at our very best. Learn new skills, exploit our talents and live BIG. Let’s stop making excuses for under achieving and give it our all. Be yourself coz sadly everyone else is taken. Enjoy small things that make life sweet.
May all my online friends and everyone have the most fulfilling prosperous New Year